Warning messages aren't reaching kids
Posted Courtesy of Pantagraph.com (http://www.pantagraph.com)
Published on 10/16/06
BY KATE ARTHUR
Of Pantagraph.com Staff
A 10-year-old girl was sleeping over at a friend's house when she watched the girl's dad walk in, kiss his daughter goodnight and pull the covers up to her chin.
When the dad left, the friend asked, "When is he coming back?"
The messages we've been giving our children, that strangers are dangerous and there's good touch/bad touch, haven't worked.
Dad isn't a stranger, and a touch can feel good. Ninety-three percent of the time the abuser is someone you trust, and a child isn't likely to say no to a parent, coach or teacher. Experts say one in four girls and one in six boys will be abused before turning 18, which means it's likely you know a child who has been or is being sexually abused.
Abuse doesn't have to involve direct physical contact; it can be anything from sexual language to e-mail solicitations, exposure to pornography or fondling over clothing.
One year, Billie Larkin tacked a map of McLean County on the wall and pinpointed the addresses with reported abuse. Push pins were scattered among leafy residential streets, blocks of apartment buildings and bucolic rural communities.
"It happens on every street, every block, every city, every county," said Larkin, executive director of the Children's Advocacy Center of McLean County.
A nationwide network of child advocacy centers provides comprehensive services to abuse victims and their families, minimizing the times a child has to tell the story.
"We know we're not seeing all the kids who are being abused," she said. "We probably couldn't handle all the kids who are being abused."
As of Sept. 30, her agency had interviewed 235 children, already surpassing last year's total. If the trend continues, that would be a 27 percent increase in reports over 2005.
"While the numbers are extraordinary, I would bet my life it's the tip of the iceberg," she said.
Every time Barb Strand thinks she's identified a pattern or trend, it changes. As head of the Tazewell County Children's Advocacy Center in Pekin, which also covers Woodford and Mason counties, she's reviewed 200 cases so far this year, comparable to last year.
For awhile, she was seeing more Internet-related cases. During the summer, there was a surge of juvenile perpetrators.
"One thing I've always said in this line of work is there's no such thing as predictability."
Abusers are savvy, often grooming their victims over weeks or months, slowly building trust. Physical contact may start out with a back rub or foot massage. A common story is the dad who just wants to teach his daughter how to French kiss. Younger children often mention games, tickling, wrestling and truth or dare.
Witnesses are rare. In thousands of cases, Larkin can only recall three when someone walked in during the act.
Children may hold onto the secret because the abuser says revealing it will make mom or dad feel bad. Maybe they'll lose their house or their job and that'll mean a change in schools.
A common threat is killing a pet. Michelle Brooks, an assistant state's attorney who prosecutes cases for McLean County, knew of a case where the abuser killed the child's pets in front of her.
Kathy Patterson, a family advocate with the local advocacy center said children may be threatened with their own lives.
"They believe it until they can't stand it any more."
A new approach
The way we approach prevention has to change, Larkin said. Parents snap kids in seat belts, lock up household chemicals and give them a cell phone for protection, but when it comes to abuse the advice is to run from strangers.
"How is that protecting children? There's nobody lurking in the parking lot in a trench coat. And if your dad is touching you, as inappropriate as that is, don't you think that's a good touch? When you're 6, 7 or 13, how are you supposed to handle that?"
Over the summer, she reached out to more than 250 teachers in Livingston and DeWitt counties, educating them on how to prevent, recognize and react responsibly to abuse based on the steps offered by From Darkness to Light, a South Carolina grassroots national non-profit organization. She's trying to get into more schools, along with any organizations that serve youth.
The broadest message to parents is: Don't allow your child to be in a one-on-one situation with an adult.
"If we can limit that exposure, we can limit most child abuse," Larkin said. "We want to take that responsibility off the children's backs. If kids have to stay after school and the door is shut, make sure there's a window in that door."
Ideally, the take-the-responsibility-back message would be delivered to new parents and reinforced in schools, churches and youth groups. Parents would ask about policies on sexual abuse before sending a child to camp and wouldn't allow a son or daughter to catch a ride home with a coach.
"As a community, we have to say we're not going to tolerate this," she said. "It's a big burden but we have to stand up and do it."
After 11 years of hearing children tell their stories of abuse, her reaction is always the same.
"It always shocks me. There are days we call a child in there and none of us can speak. If we quit being shocked, it's time to get out."
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