 |
Preventing the Unthinkable
|
Are you doing all you can to protect your
child from sexual abuse? The standard advice is wrong: Here's what
it takes to really keep kids safe
By Jessica Snyder Sachs
Article Printed in October, 2003 Parenting Magazine (
www.parenting.com)
When I was 11, I kept a terrible secret from my parents. I feared
their reaction if they found out what a neighbor and family friend
had done in his home after turning off the lights and saying he
loved me. Besides, it took me months to figure it out myself. Even
then, I doubt that the term "molestation" had become part of my
vocabulary.
My story wouldn't bear mentioning except that it continues to be
horribly common. Although studies show a small but steady decline in
substantiated child molestations over the past decade, conservative
estimates still place the number of children who are sexually abused
each year at around 200,000. Only about half of cases are reported,
experts believe. And the problem extends into younger age groups
than most people realize. In a national survey of adults molested as
children, the median age of first abuse was 9 years, with one-fourth
being violated before age 8 and nearly 15 percent before age 6.
Scarier still, conventional notions on how to protect kids is
wrong. We rush to teach them about "stranger danger," but more than
80 percent of molesters know their victims, according to a study by
the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research
Center. We instruct our children to "Yell and Tell," but such
simplistic advice can backfire when youngsters face the typical
offender — the outwardly caring teacher, coach, friend, or relative
who's worked hard to win your child's trust — not to mention yours.
"In no other area do we give children the responsibility to stop
or change the behavior of the adults in their life," says Elizabeth
Ralston, Ph.D., executive director of Dee Norton Lowcountry
Children's Advocacy Center, in Charleston, South Carolina. "The
result is that often, kids who've been molested feel guilty for not
having prevented the abuse and ashamed to tell anyone about what's
happened to them."
Even lessons on "good touch/bad touch" can backfire because
molestation doesn't always start out feeling "yucky." Nor does it
necessarily involve physical contact, as is the case when adults
expose children to sexually explicit pictures, talk, and behavior,
or when they get them to expose themselves for photographs.
You're probably cringing right about now, but that discomfort is
a part of the problem. "It's natural for parents to cling to the
myth of the child molester as the dirty old man in the wrinkled
raincoat," says Anna Salter, Ph.D., author of Predators: Pedophiles,
Rapists, and Other Sex Offenders. "It's disturbing to think that
people we know, or even love, could harm our children."
Your first line of defense, then, is to minimize the situations
in which your child is left alone with an adult you don't thoroughly
know and wholly trust — even if it's Grandpa. "This isn't about
being paranoid," says Anne Lee, founder of the national
child-protection campaign Darkness to Light and a survivor of sexual
abuse herself. "Just as we're not being paranoid about the risk of
an accident, so we buckle our kids into their car seats or hold
their hands crossing the street, it's not paranoid to eliminate
one-on-one situations that may put them at risk of abuse." These
age-specific guidelines can help you keep your child safe.
| It was the grandma who
noticed. While diapering her 14-month-old granddaughter, she
felt a roughened area between the baby's buttocks. The
pediatrician said it was too calloused to be diaper rash and
concluded it had been caused by chronic rubbing over a long
period of time. It turned out, says Ralston, that the teenage
boy who babysat the child had been masturbating against her.
Yes, babies get abused. A molester may
masturbate against an infant or toddler, stimulate the child for
self-gratification, or even attempt penetration. Red flags for
possible abuse include abrasions, swelling, and skin tears around
the genitals, anus, or mouth. If you notice such an injury, see your
doctor immediately.
Ralston urges parents to screen any
adult they're considering as a regular caregiver for criminal
offenses through local law-enforcement agencies and the FBI. You'll
need the person's birth date, social security number, and a list of
the counties and states in which she's lived.
After you hire someone, make it clear to her that you're vigilant
about your child's safety and then check in unannounced
periodically. "If she complains, find somebody else," says Ralston.
|
|
Kids are more likely to be abused by someone who befriends them
than by a person who's outwardly violent. And while the majority
of coaches, teachers, and youth-group leaders have kids' best
interests in mind, a significant minority choose these
professions and avocations to get easy access to children.
Regardless of his role in your child's life, look out for anyone
— especially a man — who:
- Appears to be paying more attention
to your child than to his or her class or teammates
- Gives gifts
- Seems to regularly involve himself
with kids who aren't his
- Doesn't appear to have a normal
number of adult friends and partners
|
| "See. You're a dirty little girl. You like it." That's what Anne
Lee's great-uncle told her when he began fondling her during summers
at the family's vacation house. She was 4 years old.
"The tragedy is, I believe him and felt
too ashamed to tell my parents,” says Lee, who’s now the mom of a
10-year-old daughter. At the same time, Lee’s behavior was a cry
for help: “Here we had this wonderful place on a beautiful crystal
lake, and I was begging not to go.”
Although there are no numbers available regarding boys, the
incidence of molestation and sexually motivated abductions of
girls more than triples by the time children reach grade school.
This isn’t surprising, considering that as kids get older, they’re
out of their parents’ sight more often. To protect them despite
this change:
|
There’s no substitute for direct supervision. “Offenders look for
ease of approach and ease of retreat,” says Monique Boudreaux,
Ph.D., a consultant with the Child Abduction and Serial Murder
Investigative Resources Center, in Quantico, Virginia, and a mom
of two. So plop down on a lawn chair when your kids play outside;
take the phone along or let the voicemail pick up to avoid having
your attention diverted.
-
Before your child visits a friend’s home, get to know the parents
or try to spend time there. If you’re not comfortable, have them
play at your house.
-
At your child’s daycare or school, find out if there’s an “open
door policy” – that is, an open door or unobstructed window should
allow any classroom to be visible from the hallway at all times.
-
If you’ve chosen family daycare for your child, make it clear that
she should never be left with anyone other than the primary
caregiver without your prior approval. When babysitters come into
your home, establish ground rules as to who else is allowed in the
house while you’re away.
-
Attend your child’s practices, lessons and other extracurricular
activities, or send someone you trust. Relax on the sidelines, but
be aware of how coaches and instructors interact with our child.
(See box “Is Your Child At Risk?”)
-
Never ignore the protests of a child who expresses reluctance or
fear about spending time with a particular adult, even a relative
or close family friend. Avoid leading questions, but assure your
child that he won’t get in trouble for telling you what’s going
on.
|
Professionals trained in forensic interviewing know how to
speak to kids without causing them to say things that aren't
true. Don't ask questions yourself. Instead:
-
If you suspect a child is being abused, call
the Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline
(800-4-A-CHILD), which can refer you to authorities
anonymously.
-
If you know that your child is a victim,
call 911 or your local department of social services (listed
in the phone book).
-
For info about sexual
abuse, plus resources for legal help, support groups,
medical guidance, and more, log on to
www.darkness2light.org.
|
|
Advertising your child’s name on the outside of backpacks and
other personal items can draw unwanted attention. “We know that
some offenders literally stalk children to gain information about
them,” says Boudreaux. “Knowing your child’s name helps them.” At
the very least, it can make it easier for a molester to directly
gain a child’s trust.
In a more literal sense, reducing desirability means not dressing
young children in alluring clothing, accessories, or makeup.
Interviews with convicted child molesters suggest that a
provocative appearance plays a significant role in the selection
of victims. |
Although it’s important not to lay the responsibility of
protecting themselves solely on the tiny shoulders of
preschoolers, they are old enough to learn that their bodies are
their own and that the parts normally covered by underwear or a
swimsuit shouldn’t be touched or seen by others, with the
exception of a parent or trusted caregiver at bath-time or a
doctor examining them with a parent or nurse present. They should
understand that others should not be exposing or showing pictures
of private parts to them. This sense of “owning one’s body” begins
with the child’s privilege of saying no when he doesn’t feel like
hugging or kissing, even if that person happens to be Granddad—or
you.
Similarly, don’t tell your child to be a good boy (or girl) and do
whatever his sitter (teacher/coach/neighbor) says. Boudreaux
teaches her own kids reasonable and acceptable behavior while
letting them know they have the right to politely, but firmly say
not if they’re told to do something that doesn’t seem right. It
can help to playact non-scary scenarios in which your child should
“talk back” to an adult.
Instead of teaching fear of strangers, Boudreaux also instructs
her children to look for “a mommy with kids or a grandma” if they
get separated from her in a store or elsewhere. (Recognizing a
store clerk or security guard can be difficult for little ones.)
Reducing vulnerability means making sure your child feels safe
coming to you about a disturbing or confusing situation or
emotion. Tell her, in terms she can understand, that some
adults—not very many, but some—try to touch or otherwise interact
with children in inappropriate ways.
My daughter's now 11, the age at which I
was molested — and I've gone through many a heart-clenching moment
when she's been out of my sight. To protect maturing kids without
smothering them:
-
Continue to get to know your preteen's friends, and if possible
visit their homes.
-
Encourage supervised activities with kids her own age, explaining
that while relationships with adults and older teens may be fun
and exciting, she may find herself in a vulnerable position that
can lead to abuse. Pay special attention to friendships involving
older persons, even a 14-year-old palling around with your
10-year-old.
-
Kids approaching and passing through puberty also need help
managing their own sexual feelings, setting boundaries with boy-
and girlfriends, and handling peer pressure regarding pornography.
Look for opportunities to talk about these issues and brainstorm
ways for your child to avoid or get out of uncomfortable
situations.
|
|
Over 95 percent of molesters are men or teenage boys |
Kids love the Internet. Pedophiles and pornographers love it
too. A search on farm animals, for example, will pull up
bestiality sites as well as educational ones. It's also common
for porn sites to take advantage of common misspellings and
expired web addresses, including those associated with popular
children's sites. Unmonitored chat rooms pose the greatest
danger. A recent study by the University of New Hampshire's
Crimes Against Children Research Center (CACRC) found that 19
percent of regular Internet users between the ages of 10 and 17
received online requests to engage in sex or provide sexual
information about themselves. In 15 percent of the incidents,
the solicitor attempted to contact the child offline. Janis
Wolak, a lawyer who works with the CACRC, recommends that
parents do the following:
Supervise. There's no substitute for vigilance while your
child's online. Keep computers in common areas, such as the
family room or kitchen.
Designate safe sites. Ask other parents and your local librarian
for the names of safe websites for kids, and check them out
yourself before your child logs on. Then use the Favorites
setting on your browser to set up a folder of websites that your
child knows she has permission to visit.
Monitor postings. Even on child-friendly websites, kids should
never reveal personal information about themselves or their
family, and they should never fill out forms (name, address,
etc.) without a parent's permission. Before giving your
go-ahead, be sure the form is on a "secure" site — that is, one
that encrypts information so that it can't be viewed by others.
Screen e-mail. If your child has her own account, preview what
lands in the in-box. At the least, establish rules about not
opening anything from anyone she doesn't know.
|
Protecting kids from molestation
requires being vigilant while giving them freedom to learn about
their world, make friends, and become independent adults. For
me, that's meant choosing a preschool with two teachers in every
class; sitting in on music lessons; and having quite a few frank
talks with my daughter about sexuality and molestation. Not as
much fun as chatting about her interest in Shakespeare or
horses, but vital to making sure she never has to experience the
kind of shame and confusion that I did as a child.
Contributing editor Jessica Snyder
Sachs wrote "Getting Kids to Get Along," in the April issue.
|
|
